I had planned on writing these pieces in the chronological
order of my tattoos but the Universe had other plans for me.
Four years ago today, one of my beloved students was killed
in a car accident, taking with him the life of another student from my
school. This accident was the beginning
of the most challenging year in my life – a tsunami of tears and grief that
never seemed to end.
Two years after those horrific months, I booked a tattoo
appointment for a memorial chest piece dedicated to the two young men killed in
two separate car accidents that year and to a colleague who also passed that
year. This piece was started 16 years after my first tattoo.
Alex Rousey, my tattoo therapist, created a beautiful piece
made up of 2 skulls in the style of dia de los muertos, the day of the
dead. The skull on the left is cracked
and broken, while the one on the right is whole; healed. Each skull contains a candle of
remembrance. The skulls are brought
together in the centre by a play on the sacred heart. I asked Alex to create a broken heart pinned
back together with staples – a nod to the survivors of the accident (boys I was
very close to – one of whom was seriously injured…had to have his abdomen
stapled together). Alex gave the heart
stitches, criss-crossed in the center of the heart to hold it together.
At the top, just under my neck, is written: Plus
forte que jamais…Stronger than ever.
I heard these words in the movie Hereafter. The heroine had been off work after surviving
a near death experience when she nearly drown in a tsunami. Her boss/lover asked her if she was ready to
come back to work and she replied “plus forte que jamais.” She was ready to get her life back to a sense
of normalcy, one where she was open to accepting what happened to her; to open
herself to the healing process; to move beyond merely surviving the grief.
When I saw that movie and heard those words, I was also
ready to be open to a life without grief and the black days of mourning. I knew then that I needed to wear those words
forever…not merely as a reminder to press on but as a reminder that the
Universe cares for us in our darkest days and sends comfort in many
guises.
For me, then, Hereafter,
was one of those comforts. The movie, if
you haven’t seen it, is a brilliant discussion of life after death and connections
to those who have passed into the “…undiscovered
country…” It was a great source of
comfort to me in those days when I thought I was getting messages from those
dead boys but wasn’t sure if I was just imagining the “signs” because I missed
them so much. Hereafter made me feel less crazy during a crazy time. It brought me a lot of peace – and also gave
me permission to grieve the way I needed to grieve.
During the days when I would go in and get worked on, the
boys revealed themselves in songs on the radio, in the things that people would
say, and in my dreams. They knew I was
dedicating a piece of flesh to them, to dance into the pain for beauty…and as I
healed, I was healing.
Two years ago the tattoo was finished. Four years ago the pain began. Today I am in a different place…a better
place, I think – thanks to my friends and family.
A family friend gave my daughter the best sentiment when she
was deep in the throes of grief for her dear friend who died in a car accident
six weeks after the one that happened four years ago today. He told her:
things don’t get better – they just get different. He knew from firsthand experience. His father had recently died, at that time,
and his best friend died when he was a teenager, from prostate cancer.
Those word were the best thing to have said at that time.
Today I am so grateful for the people who loved me back to
health. For those who embraced me in my
pain and waited me out...those who said "your pain is welcome here." For those whose
compassion was the difference between light and darkness.
Thank you to them…
And thank you, Alex, for a beautiful piece…for giving me
beauty out of my pain.
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