Not Knowing is Knowing

Two days ago we were supposed to be back from spring break and I have wandered around pretending that making work to feel like I’ve done something, doesn’t matter.  I have walked, I have cooked, I have tried to finish off reading the pages I needed to read to start my second paper in my Master's work in the attempt to hide from this grief…this feeling of loss and hollowness…this not knowing what to do to make this better and swallowing myself whole because I don’t know what to do or how to be better at this right now.

Then I read Wagamese (2019) – the section at the end of One Drum where he is speaking to his elder, Jack Kakakaway, about feeling shame and fear about not knowing himself and his cultural ways. Elder Jack’s words gave me grounding:

‘We all come out onto the Earth in the same way.  We all share a common beginning.  We need to be taken care of.  We need to be shown love.  We need to be taught how to function.  No matter who we become we all begin our journeys in the exact same condition. That original condition is innocence and humility.

You’ve just told me what you believe you do not know.  But if what you said is true, then you actually know what it is that you don’t know.  So, in fact, you told me what you know.  All things are a circle.  A circle is wholeness.  So knowing and unknowing are the same energy.  When you know what you do not know, you have knowledge.  That is the strength of it (p. 190).’

Not knowing what to do is still knowing something.  I really feel like we all need a little of this teaching right now as people try to navigate their discomfort at not knowing what to do by forcing their belief of what they think is best for all children and youth at this time…when we really don’t. We don’t even know what is best for ourselves at this time, outside of washing our hands and keeping six feet away from people when we leave the sanctuary of our houses.

There is so much comfort in the not knowing is knowing.  This allows me to ease up on myself and my fear of not having answers or something to do to keep people busy for the sake of keeping them busy.  I have to listen to the voices around me and be guided by them…understanding that not knowing is knowing…and that’s all I got for now…and that’s ok.

A lot is 2 words in that quote.  I was saving space. ;)